October 5, 2014 § 3 Comments
Writing is a form of escape. Or for others, it could be a push into reality. Whatever it is, writing’s a solace. It’s… a freedom.
This is an outburst, a cry, a need to express. This is her story. Her words. Her feelings. A peek into what no one could see, what she didn’t want others to see, but what had to be let out.
This is messy. It’s emotional. I read it again and wish I could edit it more and write it better. But no. Let’s keep it like this, shall we? Raw. For her.
She could never tell anyone. She would keep it to herself, take it to her grave, not let anyone know.
No one noticed. She acted perfectly normal. She laughed when she was supposed to, smiled when she needed to. Days were easy. She was used to pretending. Her whole life seemed pretend, so what was one more foray into her many facades? She could blend in, she was good at that. Be the girl everyone was used to seeing.
Meet up with friends, laugh, make jokes. Go to church, sing, pray. Feel immensely, unbearably guilty. Feel tainted. Feel dirty. Smile at aunts and uncles. Greet everyone. Coo and make faces and make babies smile (or try to, at least). Eat lunch. Have a normal lunchtime discussion with parents and cousin. Weekdays, weekends– everything was the same as before. Kind of.
The nights were the worst. When she was left alone with herself with no one to see her. Cooped up in her bedroom, she could re-enter her reality. The reality she had no desire to go back to. When she did sleep, she had nightmares.
Hands. Pushing. Pulling. Tearing apart. Darkness.
She woke up gasping, crying, reaching for the glass of water she kept by her bedside table. Tried to text a friend. No reply. Cried herself to sleep.
The next day when she woke up again, she’d go back to normal. Greet her parents, argue with them, go to school, laugh with friends. Shut in the turmoil. Release it in her laughter. Go home, get scolded, banter lightly, make jokes, eat dinner. Retreat to her room.
Same process. Same fears. Same dreams. Over and over. Nothing could disrupt her cycle.
Or so she thought.
She always marked her calendar, had a neurotic need for keeping tabs on her… monthlies. Red, she’d mark on her calendar when it started. Red end, she’d put a few days after when there was no more blood. Simple enough. It was something she needed to do to satisfy some weird obsessive need of hers (along with smelling the dishes she washed right before she put them back on the rack, holding a book to her chest when she felt nervous, eating every single grain of rice on her plate, etc.)
And then it didn’t come.
Nothing. No blood. Not a single spot on her underwear. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And all she could think of was please no, not that. Please no, not because of that. Please God, no, don’t let it be that. Please, please, please, please, this is not right.
And so she prayed. Hoped it was a delay. Just a delay. A postponement, if you will. Her hormones and body parts on a busy schedule and planning at some internal board meeting to move the red to a later date.
Then the next month came.
And the red did not.
So the panic came. No. No. No. No. Please. No.
No. She vowed to herself she’d never tell. But now she had to. She couldn’t bring herself to kill, could never do that. The routine was broken. The hiding was over.
And in return for her move to let her soul out, she got exactly what she feared. Negativity. Disbelief. Denial. Anger. Confusion. Pain. So much pain. The nights got worse than before. The crying came more often. Along with the fear that the stress she was going through would harm the life growing inside her.
The pretending got harder. She’d be irritable, sad, depressed, not her normal self. She lashed out on people, said things she didn’t mean, said things she meant but never would have said otherwise. And when she did show her happy, unfazed, self, she got doubt in return. Why aren’t you depressed, they’d say. Why aren’t you scared, they’d say. You’re lying, they’d say. Tell us the truth, they’d say. Why are you laughing, they’d say.
And she wanted to scream back, and shout and argue and cry, and tell them everything she was thinking, all that she was feeling.
You were not there. You don’t see me all the time. You don’t know what I dream of at night. You don’t know what I remember every time I try to tell you what happened. You don’t understand what I’m feeling right now. You can’t see into my soul.
And she willed them to look. Willed them to stare into her eyes and see past the surface, read between the lines, see what was inside.
Willed them to see how she felt.
That night, the night of the incident. The days that followed after. The unwillingness to bare her soul. The feelings she went through all the time.
Dirty. Despicable. Unclean. The moment she got home that night, she pretended everything was normal. Took the anger, acted like the rebellious teenager she was supposed to be. Went to her room. Shut the door. Stripped. Washed. Rubbed herself clean. Rubbed her skin till it was sore. Cried while washing. Didn’t feel the freezing water. Felt used. Felt pathetic. Felt wrong.
She never wondered why. She never questioned why it happened to her. No. She blamed herself. In her mind, she deserved it. In her mind, the fault was hers. For sleeping. For disobeying. For being stubborn. In her mind, she was being punished. For everything she’d done in the past, all the times she sinned and repeated and lied and lost control. Mea culpa, she’d think again. In her mind, she was to blame.
Prayed. She kept praying, asking for wisdom, asking for help. This wasn’t the only problem she had. Every day, moment plus moment plus moment made her heart break slowly. Everything seemed to be making things worse.
Nothing was sane.
She didn’t want them to see and yet wanted them to see. She didn’t want to tell them and yet wanted to tell them. Everything was mixed. Everything was confusing. Everything was a paradox.
It was hard to sort things out.
She couldn’t put a proper ending.
She couldn’t fix things the way they needed to be fixed.
Nothing was going as planned.
Even now, she couldn’t tie things up properly.
So part one ends here.
Messy. Unfixed. Unsorted. Disorganized.
An outburst of emotions.
A letting go of what had to be let go.
A glimpse into her soul.
May 25, 2014 § 1 Comment
In my humble opinion, there are two types of books in the world– those that make you glow and those that make you… ignite. I can’t really explain any further. I’ll let the poem do the talking. :3
Oh, and… hi. I’m back– again. :D
Take me to a place I barely
Even in my dreams.
Give me something new
To ponder on,
To think about.
Make the wheels turn.
Make the rest just
Until nothing is left
But a flyleaf.
A closed book.
Making way for
You can be
The other kind.
That doesn’t just leave
And a thrill
That I lose
A week after.
Be the one
That lights a fire.
Tearing up my soul,
Pushing me to
Trembling from the
To claw at my chest and
Let the teeming
Gnaw at my soul,
What I need.
And shove me
Off the edge.
Who I need
Which are you?
The only way I’ll really know
Is if I
March 12, 2014 § 1 Comment
So yesterday was the 1st death anniversary of one of my best friends, who died of pulmonary fibrosis. This is for her. :)
She was a little awkward,
A little too carefree.
She chewed with her mouth open
And told us jokes
At the same time,
About everything and nothing
With the rice and noodles
Making their way onto the table.
And we were laughing back
And telling her to
Chew her food properly
And swallow before talking
But she’d just grin
And laugh again.
I could only describe it as
It was a cross between the laughs of
Scooby Doo and
With extra breaths in between.
With the double and triple h’s
Sounding like the spitting sound
Back of your mouth;
The “ch” in the German “achtung”
Or “ich liebe dich”.
When she laughed,
We all started to as well.
There was this time
We were standing together,
Just the two of us.
Waiting for our other friends
After our high school yearbook photo shoot
In the Bell House
At John Hay,
And it was about 4 in the afternoon.
I was in my gold dress,
Wearing my elephant ring,
And she was holding a book,
Wearing a colorful
(Again, as always–
She was so cheerful).
And there was this moment,
This one second
When the sunlight was perfectly golden,
And it hit her
At just the right angle
In just the right place
At just the right time
And I saw her in a way
I never really had before.
And I paused
And smiled and said,
And she just looked at me
Like I was crazy,
But she was still grinning,
And she was beautiful.
She really was.
She faced everything
She was full of laughter,
So full of love,
And she never gave up
The words on her headstone
Are painted in her favorite color,
They’re the perfect words
And she did.
She really did.
To the very end.
March 9, 2014 § 11 Comments
Again, I’m posting after another long blog-cation (ha.) and neglecting school work (ha. ha.) for about an hour to post this poem and prettify it (ha. ha. ha.). So anyway, enough of my craziness… :D
This is a short and simple poem, but I somehow feel… attached to it. I wrote it just last night for a good friend’s niece, who is just a few months old. I haven’t met her yet but somehow just hearing about her from my friend’s stories is enough to make me go back to my dream of having a sibling. (Being the only child has its perks but I’ve always wanted a brother.) One other thing that made me want to write this for her is her name– a word I have always loved. I truly love words (as I keep repeating :D) and think they’re magical. And this word in particular has always been special to me. Which is why I was ecstatic when my friend told me her name. But anyway, I digress.
Read on. Oh, and before I forget… I’m making this a mini-game. I’m not going to mention her name. The clue is in the poem and the picture. Mwahahahaha. And whoever guesses it right in the comments has the right to recommend the subject for my next post– which will actually be a big help for me, so thank you in advance. The more challenging, the better. :D
Now, really… Read on. :)
Sleep for now, just close your eyes
And dream of lives with bluer skies
‘Cause soon you’ll face a big dark world
And wait on pages still unfurled
You’ll face the dragons in your sleep
And conquer kingdoms beneath your feet
You’ll meet the nightmares that you fear
And crush the monsters that draw near
You’ll feel the ground under your shoes
And live like you’ve nothing left to lose
You’ll gaze at stars and watch them shine
You’ll dance until the end of time
But until then, you’re safe and sound
No enemies, no fears around
Surrounded by a cloud of love
Watched over by eyes high above
So sleep for now and close your eyes
And dream of worlds with brighter skies.
July 20, 2013 § 3 Comments
Since I can’t really think of a more creative title right now, I’m settling for this. :D
This is gonna be a short one, since I don’t have much on my mind today except sheer happiness. I’m so grateful to God for another year, another day, for my parents and friends and loved ones and just… Everyone and everything. I’m overflowing right now with feelings I can’t really express in words, no matter how much I try. And if I do, I’m sure it’ll all just sound nonsensical. But I’ll try.
I’m excited to live all over again. I’ve got wings and I’m flying and sometime I’m gonna touch the ground but I’m going to fly right back up again. My heart is aching with something unknown and no matter how happy I am right now, it’s still not enough. I have so many unfulfilled longings and desires that I can only find in an entirely different world from now. C.S. Lewis. How I love that thought.
“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”
I’m flitting in between topics now, but this honestly just how I feel right now. I can’t even find it in me to proofread and correct my grammar anymore, since I just want to post this as soon as I finish typing it because I just want to continue savoring this feeling. And that didn’t even make any sense.
I’m not making sense. And I feel wonderful.
Please excuse posts like this. I just feel… Full. Full of joy. Of love. Of longing. Of God. Of happiness. Of everything.
I haven’t posted in a while, and I apologize that this next post is something not really understandable. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just sleepy or something. But no, I’m not.
I’m breaking my chains.
I’m letting go.
I’m spreading my wings.
I’m a flying elephant.
(I’ll probably explain more of that in my next post :D)
Thank you for bearing with me on this one. ^_^
Maybe I’m just being like this because of the joy of turning 18 or something, but no. It’s not just that. It’s something different. I’m not really supposed to feel any different, but I do. And I’m still rambling.
Anyway… Well, that’s it for now.
Happy birthday to all July 20-ers out there as well. :)
God is so, so good.
Soli Deo gloria.
June 11, 2013 § 2 Comments
Correction from my last post: I’m going to try to post something whenever I can. :) School just started again, so I shall continue to make time for the blog. No long, hibernation-neglect this time, but daily updates shouldn’t be expected. Although I will try. :D
So here’s the new one. A short story for now. It’s a dark-ish one, but I hope you like it. Read on. :)
It had happened again.
The tiny pebbles thrown by jeering children who felt the need to make their parents’ revulsion their own.
The whispers and murmurs among shopkeepers and traders and wives who never even bothered to hide their discomfort around her.
The laughter. The mocking. The stares. The disgust.Of course it had happened again. It happened everyday. It was routine. It was life. Her life.
And as usual, it was sheer torment.
She had only been staring at the children. Staring at their gleeful, excited expressions as they played and ran around the neighborhood and danced on the grass. Staring at their innocence.
She was fascinated. The happiness in their expressions seemed like something she’d never experienced before. It was a mystery.
Drawn in by their smiles, she had approached them. Slowly. Carefully.
And when she saw that they had taken notice of her, her fascination had quickly turned into fright as she’d watched their own faces turn from joy to horror to menace and scorn.
Oh, how they’d recovered from their initial fear and had taken on expressions of glee as they started pointing and yelling and picking up stones.
Oh, how fast their mothers had come to their aid with wide eyes and sneers, whispering loudly among themselves and not bothering to tame their words.
“What does she plan to do with the children? Never know…”
“…Crazy, it’s obvious to anyone who…”
“Mama, why’s she like that?”
“Shh! She’ll come after you at night and…”
She didn’t understand why.
All she knew was that she felt a dull throbbing in her chest that hurt her so much more than the stones did.
All she’d wanted to do was play. To ask them how they could be so free. Why they didn’t seem to have chains on their wrists and ankles. How they could ignore the pain.
All she’d wanted was to have what she saw in the children. Happiness. But she’d only left feeling a hundred times more sad than before.
And she’d gone to seek refuge in there. As usual, it pulled her. Her special place. The only place in the world where she could shut out every other sound she heard that made her feel life was worthless.
Once again, she was running to the old bell tower.
The door opened at the touch of her hands with a loud wooden creak, and she sprinted up the staircase. She knew all its twists and turns, was familiar with every single crack on its surface– and yet every time she climbed it, it always felt like the first.
Even as she continued on upwards, she was already starting to feel the tower’s effect on her. Inside, the turmoil was vanishing with every step. Inside, her chaos was being replaced by a child-like anticipation of what was waiting for her upstairs.
And then there she was. At the top of the tower, in a small room just below the bells.She was in her safe place, her haven.
She was home.
As she walked into the room, the bells mysteriously started sounding in their cacophony, as they always did whenever she walked in.
For her. Only for her.
Comforted by the noisy clanging of the bells, she closed her eyes and grabbed a broom in the corner. The rhythm was a melody to her, and she swung the dusty stick around in circles, lifting her skirts in a pretend curtsy, and twirling around the room. Imagining.
She shut her eyes tightly and danced, enraptured by the music of the monotonous bells.
In them, she heard a song.
And when they stopped ringing, the song died. As well as something inside of her.
She went back to being herself, the she who was afraid of the jeering taunts and mocking laughter.
Exhausted, she padded towards a small bed in the corner, taking off her sandals and lying down. As she stared at the cobwebbed ceiling, she tried to imagine what the next day would have in store for her.
She thought of the next round of jeers and taunts and haunting laughter that tomorrow held. And she feared.
But then, amidst the chaos of her thoughts, another rose up. Something that would drown the rest out in its simplicity, and yet, its power.
And so she shut her eyes and dreamed. She dreamed of the second the bells would toll again. For her.
Only for her.
June 4, 2013 § 6 Comments
No, this isn’t a poem or a short story. Yet. :)
This blog entry is all about today. Today, being an awesome day.
So… on to the enumeration of factors that make today something worth writing about:
1. I was able to reunite with my co- JENESYS (Japan East-Asia Network of Exchange for Students and Youths) friends from Baguio and Benguet.
I went to Japan last May 2012 for a two week program in Japan called “JENESYS“. It was sponsored by the Japanese government and our batch had the theme “Disaster Risk Management and Prevention”, focusing on the Great East Japan Earthquake and the 3/11 Disaster. I learned so much from the whole experience. I’ll probably tell the whole story in another post. :)
For the program, our batch of 98 students was divided into four groups. This picture is of ours, the Fukuoka group. We visited Fukuoka (of course, hence the name) and took this picture together in front of the Kyushu Museum. It was a chance to bond with youths from different universities across the Philippines, and in the end we were like one huge family. :)
This was the picture we (the Baguio-Benguet Youth Ambassadors– couldn’t think of a more original name) took together last year. I love these guys. Together, we were able to accomplish so much. Last year after we arrived back home, we started planning and conducting seminars and forums and even an exhibit, showcasing everything we learned in Japan. We were even recognized by JICE– a very pleasant surprise for us.
And then there was today. We met and talked and laughed and reminisced and spent time catching up on each other’s lives. We ate pizza and pasta and drank mango shakes, then went to an awesome Book Cafe and had mint chocolate shakes and coffee and stuff. After not seeing each other for so many months, it was just so good to be with them again. :)
Also, because of our conversations– which ranged from the economy of the US and Japan to coffee beans to some orange dude to leftover pizza– I realized I want to continue applying for more programs. I guess learning about people and cultures is just one of my passions. ^_^
So we’re done with the first factor. Now on to the next:
2. It is the 19th wedding anniversary of two amazing people.
Happy anniversary to my awesome parents! <3
They’ve been together through thick and thin (and me, of course– probably worse than thick and thin combined xD). Wait, I just realized that afterthought didn’t really make sense. Thick and thin combined?
They are amazing parents.
I am so blessed by them, and every single day I thank God for letting me have them as my parents. I have no idea how to ever pay them back for everything they’ve done for me.
*Pretend “You Raise Me Up” is playing in the background right now*
I love these people so much, and I’m so happy they’re mine. (Evil laughter: you’re mine!) xD
They’re mine, and I’m theirs. <3
Thank you Lord, for this wonderful day.
Soli Deo gloria.